After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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