Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
