I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
