saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
not ubering you a puppy
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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