Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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