so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm both gender and math confused
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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