I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
