i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
