my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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