i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
