If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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