we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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