A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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