new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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