I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
