Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
