did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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