On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
