Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
