tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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