my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
