does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
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so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
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i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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