So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off