I bet he comes in French.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...