I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
