Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
is wine microwaveable?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just had sex on a roof
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
