i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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