If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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