she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
