So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
