I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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