Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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