make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
