Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize