The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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