I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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