I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
