That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
