You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
