insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
