There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Houston, we have a squirter
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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