I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
