how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
