Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
