My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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