My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
