3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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