The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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