Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
