ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
