A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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