I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
