We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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