you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
