Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
