The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
COCAINE IS GR8
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
