mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
